“We are like swimmers lost on a vast, dark sea. Lightning streaks out from a distant storm to show us a direction and off we go, furiously slashing the waves toward the light and hopefully land. Too soon, darkness settles back down around us and we lose our way again. Occasionally, we lose our faith in ourselves.
At least for me, that’s how it sometimes feels to be a photographer, as I struggle to find my true path. A few years ago I took a serious break to reflect on my goals and choices. This was tough; reflection involves actual thinking, as opposed to jumping on another flight to whereverland. Although blessed with outward success and a richly varied career over 30 years of non-stop travel, it slowly dawned on me that inwardly I was deeply unhappy.“ Doug Menuez
Something deep has been brewing inside of me for quite some time. It has been intangible, heavy and looming and I feel it almost every time I pick up my camera, why? For as long as I have known I have always wanted to be an artist, a creative, but to be honest just as much as I want to be that I NEVER thought it would be a tangible reality or really thought of myself as an original artist coming up with new fresh ideas. This looms over me. Why can’t I just shake this feeling that my work is just copying someone else, that it isn’t good in comparison, it could be better, or that I am heading down the wrong path. The path I should be on is applying for a job, working the hours, getting a paycheck then living the rest of my life with family and friends. I never actually thought I could be my own boss, marketing manager, accountant, supervisor and art director, I mean it is just me: Garrett. An ordinary person, raised in an ordinary life in the suburbs of middle class America. Who am I to think I can wear the responsibility of an artist?
When I pick up a camera I feel it’s weight because of these thoughts. This hunk of glass, metal and screws represents so much to me. It represents my dreams and also my fears, my strengths and weaknesses, it reminds me of how in touch I am with my heart and soul. When I have been neglecting my true self, my desires, my wife, my friends all in hopes of a attaining a certain goal I feel it when I push the shutter button. I have been feeling this weight more these days, my camera has been getting heavier (in reality and metaphorically). Why? Because I am completely goal oriented and can focus so much on this desire & dream that over time I neglect & forget what is actually happening all around me. Missing the things that really inspire me to take photographs and create art. Instead of being in the event I am just thinking of how I can make a great photograph out of it. So thus the photograph feels a little hollow and so do I. When I began taking photographs years ago it was not in hopes of getting published or a pay check the reason I took photographs was because I was part of something that I could not let pass un-forgotten, it was to powerful & beautiful to pass by, it was my natural reaction.
The entire reason I have always wanted my work to be something I love and am passionate about is because there is less separation between work & life. This has it’s blessing’s and curses but if balanced right it can be a huge blessing due to the holistic life it can offer. It never ceases to surprise how the more focused I am on myself the less in touch with myself & others I become. I know that the most powerful photographs I can take are the ones where I am part of my surroundings, the people and the happenings not merely a photographer trying to be somewhere or someone he is not. So as I slowly walk into my dreams I must not get lost in them and miss what is going on right here and now.
Below is a good video by Zack Arias that helped prompt these thoughts out of me and then a link to another good blog by Michael Clark I read a few days ago and an article by Doug Menuez I read a few months ago all of which helped pull these intangibles to the surface.
[...] Engagement, Patience & Transformation | garrett grove [...]